I wake up to the sound of rustling leaves and the wind shaking the bedroom windows. It’s 5 am and for a little while i dwell on the feeling: imagining i am in Finland, it’s cold and dark outside, i have to get up and go outside to the freezing rain. This image is a way for me to remember to count all the blessings life is offering me right now. So that when i open my eyes, i tap right in to the reality. This is the image that made me the most anxious when i used to be at home. But now, I get out of bed, walk into the front door and open it to the warm tropical morning. The wind greets my face as i let the loudly meowing cat in.
The reality and the blessings. I can pack my bag and my yoga mat at 6 am in the morning. I will bicycle to the beach that is less than five minutes away. See the sun rising from behind the Rinjani volcano in Lombok. Do my morning yoga practice as the sun rises. Then buy a cheap meal of rice and vegetables from a local woman. I can read and study while laying in my hammock, i can lay on the beach next to the ridiculously turquoise sea, i can breathe in the ocean air. I can call this my home now.
For a long time i had a huge “india hangover”. It was really hard to come back to a world that was so quiet and so organized. To walk the streets where no one was honking. No crowds, no cows, no noise. And strangely, i missed it. I missed the chaos and i missed all the feelings i had while i was there. The ridiculously drugging feeling of bravery, the thrilling feeling of being on my own in such a place. And being back in familiar, peaceful Bali was a big shock. Coming to the Gili Trawangan island, that had been quieted by the earthquakes, made me feel strangely lonely. I was surrounded by new people, who were to slowly become the people i would interact with every day from now on. Suddenly i was here, settling down for a while.
Every morning, every day and every evening i would repeat myself the words someone said to me while in India. “Promise me you will try to find stability in your life.” And i keep repeating them, still. And slowly, little by little, i have been finding glimpses of a ridiculous joy. I danced around my house and told myself, this is my new home. Here is my new kitchen. This is my room, my bed, my hot water shower. This is my garden and i am going to give it my love. This is my new cat, these are the kittens and i can watch them grow. This is my porch and these people are my neighbors. And this is my life.
A comforting feeling of stability is slowly coming for me. I have set up a routine of practicing and reading. Studying yoga texts and planning classes. Because sooner or later, on this island, i am going to teach yoga for real. And it makes me both excited and scared. Mostly excited. For the first time in my life i feel like i know what i am doing and i know what i want to do. I have goals that i know i will keep reaching for.
The thought of accidentally moving to Indonesia even though i was supposed to go back home in May feels so funny. A few days ago i closed my Finnish sim card. Soon i am trying to register an Indonesian one. I gave up on the phone number i have had since i was eight years old. That’s twenty years. The life as i knew it has already changed so much in the last nine months i have spent away from Finland – i am ready to let go of it all. Even my old dear phone number.