Every time i set off to go somewhere on my own, i have this certain feeling. Of fear, anxiety, aliveness and excitement mixing together and making me feel like i have never been in the moment as much before this. It feels like every breath i take is the most important breath of my life. Things feel surreal. That is exactly how i felt when i left Thailand towards India, and that’s exactly how it felt when i boarded the night train last night and my dear friends left me there, alone. Alone in India.
So full of adrenaline. Excitement. Secure feelings of safety and confidence. I sat there, alone, accompanied by seven indian men who didn’t know exactly where to look and how to deal with the fact that i was there.
From my journal today:
“Rishikesh is to me like a dream, details are slowly fading away from my memory, like a dream i had couple of nights ago, or a movie i saw last weekend. I still feel it and i remember it, but it doesn’t seem real anymore. And now, and now… Open heart. Trusting my gut feelings. Trusting myself. Being brave, being courageous. Having faith. Because i am alone in India.
Two weeks, me and India, open plans. I will greet myself with love. With caring. With smiles, with forgiveness. I will read, study, yoga, wander, sit by the river, breathe everything in, the colorful chaos that is India. I have a feeling, a wonderful, secure feeling, that not only everything will go well, but i will have an amazing time.
I am ready to take in all the rest India has to teach me. I can’t even believe how strong the calling is. To go on my own. If i had the choice to go with someone, i would still go on my own. The calling is stronger than the fear that lurks in the background. And that’s how i know i am doing something very right.
And here i am… Sitting with the men. They shared their snacks with me, helped me make my bed and offered me a turn to charge my phone. I am in a country where it’s recommended i travel only during the day. ‘Don’t take the night train or the night bus’, i read this line so many times. Yet.. Here i am. Feeling safe. Chatting casually with the men. I am in a country where instead of everyone saying “enjoy your trip” they said “please be careful and stay safe”. When i first landed, the pilot said “good luck” instead of “enjoy your stay”.
And this is exactly what i needed. To be alone in India. To be as brave as i am right now. Not to let the world make me scared of something. I needed to come here and see for myself. And the people.. They look at me because they are curious. They are interested. They don’t look at me because they want to hurt me. They are people. Just… People. For every bad one there is a hundred with a good heart. And that’s what i sincerely believe. I know the feeling in my guts if someone is not to be trusted. That’s what i am listening to.
I needed to prove myself i can have an open heart like this. To believe that this man who is sitting next to me does not want to harm me. I can trust my intuition, i can trust the world, the universe. I can travel in a night train alone in India, in a compartment full of men, and still feel safe and secure and good.
These are the things that change me. I need to dig so so so deep into myself to find the trust, the courage, the strength, the confidence. In moments like these, i have no choice. It is the only option. To look into myself, find everything that’s already inside me. And when i know i found it once, it will be forever with me.
I did it. I did it. Here i am, waiting for the train to move the last kilometers towards the holy city of Varanasi. What’s there, i don’t know – taking it easy, studying, letting go and accepting the fact that all the people i met in Rishikesh are gone now and i am alone. Alone in India. Greeting myself with love. And new beginnings.”