200 hours yoga teacher training: the experience III
August 11, 2018
19th of July
“I stopped counting days gone and started counting days left. No no no nono. I want to stay. I want to submerge myself into this world of yoga and being and learning. And never stop. Never, never. I can’t believe it has already been two and a half weeks. Now the teaching practices start, now i need the confidence and the bravery. I feel like i live in a world of blessings coming towards me, one after another. Surrender. Everything will come. I let myself into the surrender. To get the 100% out of everything and to make the 100% out of everything.
Where do the hours go because i don’t know? Every morning i wake up and see, it’s a new beautiful day. Every morning i have my morning tea outside with Irene, wave to the local lady on the rooftop across the street. And every morning i pour salt water into my nostril and out of the other nostril. I practice breathing in different ways, i sing, i practice rough Vinyasa flow. I eat big breakfast of oatmeal, lay down for 30 minutes and then study anatomy and philosophy. I eat a big lunch of rice and veggies, nap and try to study for 2,5 hours. Then i learn about asanas and body alignment, i do 1,5 hours of intense Ashtanga. Then i look out the upstairs window for 30 minutes. The people downstairs, the people across the road, children playing, cows on the field. And then i learn a new meditation technique or a new mantra he makes us sing one by one again. Then i have a big dinner of veggies and chapati, have tea outside with Irene again. And relax, sleep, and do it all over again.”
27th of July
“I just cannot wrap my head around how fast this July has been. It’s just… Gone. Suddenly it’s gone. What a strange thing time is. I feel like going out to the world will be scary and strange. Like a baby bird flying out of it’s nest for the first time.
“This is it for the month” said the philosophy teacher and i was ready to cry then and there. Every single day he used to say “this is it for the day.” Suddenly, it’s gone. Suddenly, it’s ceremony day. Suddenly i am a certified yoga teacher. Fastest month of my life.
And wow how many hard things i faced. Speaking truthfully to people, showing my weaknesses. This experience shaped me in so many ways. I did so many scary things. Sang in front of the class. Faced my hidden emotions. Meditated to painful memories. Let go of the grip of the past and the illusion of the future. Taught a yoga class. Used my voice. Found my voice. And my voice was heard, it is calm and it is steady. I am not shaking anymore, i am not scared anymore. My heart is blown wide open. It was all so hard. None of it was easy, really. But i did it. Yesterday i danced in the kitchen not caring about anyone who was watching. This is how i want to live my life. I am ready to dance and sing and play like no one is watching.
My journey has now begun. I am excited, nervous and in love. With life and the world. The new me that’s coming out from behind the clouds. Never ever in my life have i learned this much. Never.
I look outside from my open door, look at the people chatting, the girls i got to know from all over the world, the indian boys who turned out to be so sweet and funny. And i feel so so much love for this little yoga family. So much good energies, so much love.
Yes, so never in my life have i experienced anything like this before. I am not ready to let go. But i know i have to, soon. Two nights left and i am going to be all here, taking it all in, as much as i can, as deep as i can. My heart is bursting. Of gratitude, joy, love, happiness, all the good pure feelings in the world. No matter how hard i try i can’t put this feeling into words.
Basically i just cannot believe the course is over and i can’t believe i did it. Best decision of my life. The most beautiful, growing experience. To come here. I was so scared, i will never forget how scared i was. How i cried and screamed “i can’t go, i can’t go, don’t make me do this”. But i did anyway. And i am so, so proud of myself.
Here i am… Staring at the mountains from the big glass windows. A little black cat sleeping under a table outside. I am fully in myself. So fully here. Not waiting for anything, not needing anything. Things will come, on their own, when it is time. No use in waiting or expecting. Be here now, be there later. This is how i am now. Here. Oh the feeling of bliss and joy. The lightness. Lightness of being here, in myself, in my moment, not waiting or needing anything. Like i am being freed of something.
Why did i keep waiting for something, all the time? Why did i always forget to enjoy myself? Always waiting for something or someone or some different time. It was so wrong. As if i was not enough for myself so i kept waiting for something else. And when i got what i was waiting for, i was joyful for a while, but damn what a fleeing feeling. The next moment i was waiting again.
So now, this one… Being so fully in myself. Full of myself. Wow. I am enough. I am not needing anything or anyone. Everything is here, everything. I think this might be the first time in my life that i am feeling like this. Full acceptance, full knowing that everything will come when it is time, i do not need anything. Everything is here. I am letting everything be. This is what happiness is like.”