6th of July
“Twenty minutes in meditation last night. I hear the soft sound of the teachers voice and see where my mind is going. I tap in and observe. Outside to the streets, in Rishikesh, cows, cars, motorbikes, honking, dust, dogs, teachers voice, breathe, remember to breathe, candles, dogs, everything feels like a movement, it feels like i am flying, this is amazing, so amazing. Remember to breathe, women in sarees, teachers voice, focus on the breath, singing, i will have to sing, oh shit, he will make me sing, but why worry, why worry…
And then he said this thing: if you don’t laugh at the same joke for seven times, why do you keep worrying about the same thing for a hundred times? Yes, it makes no sense, no sense at all. So i had a bad day yesterday, but i chose to keep smiling and i chose to not worry. That’s all we have. The choice. I can be paralyzed by my fear and my worry or i can simply choose to drop it. And now i choose to drop it. I accept myself as being nervous and being scared, i don’t need to hide it. I can show my weaknesses to people. I can be open. I don’t have to hide it. Because it’s ok to feel like this. It’s being human. I don’t need people to see me as this strong, tough person. I want them to see me as i am so i can be fully myself. A human being who feels. Scared and nervous from time to time, but accepting it, overcoming it.”
7th of July
“Today is the day of Kunjal. Throwing up. A cleanse for the stomach. So i drank warm salt water, glass after glass after glass. And more. Some people, they drank, they threw up and they left. But i was there after one hour, trying to throw up the water and get it all out. I was left with a sore throat and sore muscles. The teacher touched my shoulder and told me good job Essi, every single time i threw up a bit. Honestly one of the most strange experiences in my life.
Now i am tired but strangely happy. And very thirsty. Weak on the knees and the effort of trying to throw up. My body just shut down and resisted it until it couldn’t anymore. Anyway, now i am strangely light, as if i can breathe easier. Cleansing like this. So so many things i have never done before. And more keep on coming. Every day feels like a new exciting beginning of something else.
And it feels so strange i was supposed to be in Finland by now. That i left in December and i am still away. “Don’t worry”, said my intuition when i was stressing over a summer job. You don’t need to worry, the inner voice said. And i stopped worrying. And all this happened. India happened. I am here now, having life changing experiences. Emotions are trying to take over me and control me, there is just too much emotion in me, i want to scream them out. But i try to focus. Tap in on the moment, again and again, every time i open my door and step outside. I try to focus and breathe, and sing and chant… Oh, all the emotions. The bliss. The joy.”